This blog has not receive anything new to talk about for a long time. Now I think it's time to try to revive my blog activity.
This void inbetween is simply caused by a concurrent void building up in my mind. What is my future? What will my next course of action be when I graduate? Will I be able to graduate? When questions do not get answers, the void expands. This void is like a dark cloud lurking overhead, at any moment it can just engulf you and lead you breathless, choking, gasping for air. It's very difficult to clear the dark cloud that looms overhead, you need to think positively, avoid negativity and you need to self-motivate or self-hypnotise to keep yourself from feeding the void. It's difficult to do it when there's alot of negative energy around trying to make comparisons. Sometimes family & friends unknowingly, do it out of concern, not knowing that at that point, it's encouragement and motivation that's need, not pressure nor comparison.
I've been trying to withdraw myself from this vicious cycle which I have been whirlpooled into. Sometimes it just takes some believe to do it. I have been sceptical abt alot of help that has been given to me, either rejecting or just not believing in it. I know that i'm the only one who can bring myself out of this predicament, and yet I was reluctant to help myself.
Today, with whatever little believe I have in myself. I managed to pull thru a day at school with pretty good results, and not feeling too bad even though when it does not seem to be working out for me.
The day started off with a class of introduction to japanese studies, it's tough to bring myself to a class which previously I had given myself reasons to avoid it. Once you avoid it, it accumulates into a negating force pushing you away from it even further. Coming for this, I had to reassure myself, convince myself and believe in possibility of things just working out, eventually. I survived and I feel good abt it, even though I left the class without a project group. Which means I might have to do a whole research paper on my own however that did not sound too bad to me. That thought somehow had pretty good chain effects on me. I started thinking abt the possibility of exploring whatever subjects I wish to. I also began to wonder who I could turn to for suggestions or help, I thought if yi, and sms'd her immediately, that made me smile too. Its been a long time since I last contacted her, I'm just glad I did.
And I have a pleasant surprise just now, cos I received an email from one of my Jap Studies classmates, whom I approached earlier to request to join their group. She said they rethink their decision and thought it is possible to have me in their group. I was really happy to see that email, even touched! But I replied asking for more info abt what they would be doing, cos I dun wanna give up the chance to do some topic by myself. But I'm happy now. :)