Reflections II - Perceptions and Impressions

Only after so long I was being told that my work in my early years were not seen as good. They were seen as slow, late, wait for things to explode, sweep things under the carpet. Woah! What a shocking revelation for me! 

Working hard in this day and age is just not being valued. It doesn't matter if you are handling over a thousand cases a year. It just matters that of the thousand cases, 300 were late, some exploded, some just did not get the chance to be dealt with. Did anyone ever cater in the fact that the normal amount we shld be dealing with is only 300? 

I always had the ideal that if u work hard, people will see your work and your efforts. Now I know for that to be true, the people have to be looking. And the unfortunate true fact for me is that those people looked for only certain indicators, so that they can make the easy decision.  It seems no one looked at the overall. When others cleared 300 cases timely, they have a 100% record. When I clear 700 cases timely do I get a 230% record? Nope! I got 70% only because I was able to handle the rest of the 300!!!!

What a fool. But the dumb thing is that I did not know until now. All long I still thought that they would be grateful for the extra work I've put in. That they appreciate me and in due time they would reward me for my efforts. How naive I was, how ignorant I still am. 

All along I've believed in doing as much as you can. And those things you cannot complete would precisely show them that help is needed. Unfortunately, that's not the game they play. They expect work that can't be completed to be raised for attention for help to get it settled. And that's precisely where I failed. I did not call for help to manage things. It's been so long, I can't remember how many times I've asked for help. The answer had always been it's coming, and when it finally arrives recently, I'm no longer a part of that team for almost 2yrs. And the bemusing part for me is that, they insist the increase in manpower is not due to the increase in workload during my time. It's the period after my time, which increase tremendously. Bull crap....

 

So what do I do now? I know that I've only put in more n more effort over the years and things are getting more stressful. Once again, I feel tired. 

Goodbye Uncle Soon Wah

It was Amber's first month, he came to visit and he was truly happy to see her. He had been in and out of hospital for some time since his relapse. He said that someone above knew that he wanted to visit Amber, hence made him better to allow him to see her. He was all smiles when he saw her.

I visited him some time back and knew that he was deteriorating but I did not expect that would be last time I'd see him. I was still expecting to see him still alive today. Even though I knew he did not have much time left, I thought I'd still have the chance to tell him again that in doing fine. I wanted to show him more photos and videos of Amber to cheer him up in his last moments. But I was too late. His mouth was ajar and his eyes had turned pale when I'd arrive. 

My mind just turned blanked. This is the frailty of life. Just gone like that. I feel very sad that he's gone. I feel sad also for Amber, as she would not be able see more of this grand uncle. He is a kind soul who would have undoubtedly made her life better. 

He had always been a kind person and definitely the most responsible one of his siblings. I don't have much memories of us spending time together when I was a toddler. But I believe I won't be wrong to say he had loved us as much as he could. I remember the early days when I was still living in queenstown, he still lived there. He would be working night shifts. Sometimes I get ice-cream.

Since my grandma passed on, he had been trying very hard to keep the family together. I know how hard he tries because every year he would contact me to arrange for a gathering. 

Aside from my mum, he is another glimmering example I have in my life, showing me that we have to work hard. Not just for us, but also the people around us.

It's the common character trait of the people in our family to not show the worries we have on our faces. It's doesn't mean we don't care, we just don't show it. 

Thank you for showing me that u cared. 

Thank you for your efforts for the family. 

Thank you showing me responsibility .

Thank you for working hard your whole life.

Now it's time for you to rest and worry no more.  Goodbye Uncle Soon Wah.

Reflections

是不是把我的冷漠解读成不在乎？

我不善主动开话甲，但是我会听。我听的不少，我在乎但，我不显露。我擅长以不同观点看待一件事，所以我能体会不同人的痛楚。这也是让我无奈的一件事，往往许多人不在乎另一个观点，只希望一昧而行。

我的领导有问题吗？

我的理念很简单；我以自己为榜样，我要求的事，除非我能做到，否则我不会要求你能做到。任何事情只要是我的要求，如果错了结果我会承担，我不会掉头跑人。

我的要求有过分吗？

虽然我许多做事的方法会跟以往不同，我都是为了能有好的改变。我会听别人的反馈，但是你要能说服我。我的要求，我希望能劝服，让人坦然接受，而不是仗势欺压，让人屈服。

我是否真的不够好？

我自认我已经把我会的都尽量了。我会的，我懂得，我尽量分享。高层与我们这些在前线的职员有严重的沟通问题。我多次试着做个知讯桥梁，让双方都能看对眼。若有任何疑问，我都尽量提供一个可以前行的方法，我从来不避讳。

难道我真的做的不够多？

能帮的地方我都帮忙。需要做决定的时候我也尽量不啰嗦。如果我能解决的事情，我都自己先把事情解决掉。我自己觉得我扛了许多担子，许多别人不想扛的责任。我曾经一个人作四人工，那是我觉得我的贡献没被重视。如今我也相当如三人工，我以为众所周知，显然非也。

是否工作输出量等同与工作时间？

我承认我的开工放工时间不定，偶尔会迟到早退，但是我更长早到迟退。真的有必要对这些时间斤斤计较吗？我对其他人的要求也一样， 只要一天下来，能做的尽量做，做不完还有明天。

所以我到底哪里需要改，告诉我。不告诉我，我不会知道。请当面告诉我，如果我不能面对，那是我修养不够。

今天我被转告的时候，又是一阵莫名其妙。

如今我不再能做通宵，我已经很累了。不够？找我聊聊吧，别让我觉得我在孤军奋战……