Sky Blue Shepherd No More

After my last stint back in sky blue, I'm back again after just 3 months. I have been conditioning my mind and telling myself its great to be back in. I'll be able to do controlling again, something that I once wanted to do as a career. 

Somehow things just don't always turn out as you expect them to. Receiving no news about my medical review in July was apparently not good news. 

My first day back was spent trying to track down my report. And when we finally did, the news I've gotten is simply a bubble buster. 

"Fit but not recommended for direct control duties"

I'm struggling now trying to describe how that felt. Once again, it's been so long since I felt like this. Perhaps it's easier to describe what happened before. 

I was once an enthusiastic young officer serving his 2yrs of compulsory national service. During this period, I have gotten myself trained with the skills for air traffic control. Now I know my personality belongs to the group who likes to do things we are good at. 

Hence the natural thing for me to do back then was to apply to become a regular in the force. Most procedures quickly fell into place. My superiors were also glad with my decision and I even managed to secure a scholarship along with the contract. I start to feel awesome with my decision.

Drama came when I was required to go through the standard medical checkup. Questions started arising about my physical health. In a nutshell, an honest tick in the "headache" column of a health survey a few years back had done me a very bad deal.  

The questions raises got the medical board kicking up a fuss and not willing to clear my case. I had to go for several expensive checks to ascertain my condition. End of the day, all checks showed favourable results but the fear of making a wrong decision caused the medical board to reject my application for regular service. Despite the fact that while serving in national service, I'm doing the exact same thing as a regular.

I tried to appeal my case and it went all the way up to the chief of the medical board but to no avail. 

With that decision fixed, I had resign to my fate that regular service is not something meant to be for me. There goes a steady job, salary, paid degree, early marriage plans, career progression. 

Losing all that possibility was really hard to take. Especially for a young officer, who had the aspirations for an exciting future in the force. I got into some form of depression after that. i began to lose interest and felt that fate is out to get me. 

It took me a few years to forget about that episode and working all over again. I've moved on since then and found something I like to do and which I'm good at.

This episode now seems all too familiar. I had bored the hope that I could do some controlling again. Unfortunately it's not meant to be again.

This time it would be different. I have less at stake. Good to have but without it, I'll trod on.